1
00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,839
- Right. I've laid the table.
- Thank you.

2
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,190
- How's the chicken doing?
- It's stopped clucking.

3
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:54,719
Oh, good, good.

4
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:58,196
That reminds me. Corn.
I must make that cheque out for the feed.

5
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,797
(Whistles cheerily)

6
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:11,910
(Whistles)

7
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,429
Yes, chicken feed to them,
but it's not to us.

8
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:16,756
How much have we got left
in the bank now, Tom?

9
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,429
- We're in the black.
- Yes, but how much?

10
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,949
Oh, three... (Mumbles)

11
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,070
Pardon?

12
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,877
Three... (Mumbles)

13
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:32,115
- Three what?
- �3.28, actually.

14
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,518
Bang goes the yacht.

15
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,473
Oh, I don't know. No.
Just wait for the interest to accrue.

16
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,910
That is Margo in the garden.

17
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,758
What do you think she's doing out there?

18
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,918
Walking up and down.

19
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,030
Yes. But why?

20
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,914
I asked her to dinner.
I didn't say anything about sentry duty.

21
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,717
- Margo!
- Good evening, Tom.

22
00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:00,671
Good evening. What are you doing?

23
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,075
Evening, Barbara. I'm so sorry.

24
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,556
You said 8, which I took to mean 8 for 8.30,

25
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:10,036
which naturally implies that we should arrive
at 8.15, doesn't it?

26
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,151
It's still only 8.14.

27
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:18,112
Oh, what the hell, Margo.
We'll overlook it this time. Come in.

28
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:20,117
Oh, thank you.

29
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,357
Thank you.

30
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:28,918
Excuse me.

31
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,679
- Where's Jerry?
- Sulking in your front garden.

32
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,119
Oh. Why?

33
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:36,312
I just happened to point out
that his watch was fast.

34
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,351
I'll go and get him.

35
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,598
Jerry!

36
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,311
Well, Tom...

37
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,031
Well, Margo...

38
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,757
Yes.

39
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,957
Good.

40
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:06,397
Will you be changing for dinner?

41
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,750
Oh, yes, of course. I'll do it now.

42
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,037
That's better.

43
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,833
Ooh!

44
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,191
Five..four... three..two... one.

45
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,711
Ah. 8.15. Evening, Tom.

46
00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:29,194
Hello, Jerry.

47
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,117
Mm. Smells good.

48
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,276
Sudden-death chicken, that's called.

49
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,357
So you finally found the courage to kill it.

50
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,357
No, no, she committed suicide.

51
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,313
Right, how about a quick snort before dinner?
Margo?

52
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,876
Lovely. Campari and soda, please.
Gin and tonic for me, I think.

53
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,672
Pea-pod or elderberry wine?

54
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,391
Well, just the tiniest pea-pod for me, please.

55
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:56,115
Ditto, only, er... let me sit down first, eh?

56
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,956
Ahh.

57
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:07,674
Thank you.

58
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,711
There we are. Now...

59
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,631
Here's to a harvest safely gathered,

60
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:15,433
and to Jerry and Margo
for helping us to gather it.

61
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:24,911
Reply, please, Jerry.

62
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,871
What? Oh... er...

63
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:30,231
Yes, well... here's to pea-pods.

64
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:35,229
What happened to that mountain of stuff
we picked. I didn't notice any in the garage.

65
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:36,793
- Too damp.
- Cellar?

66
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:39,673
- Too much effluence down there.
- Well where is it, then?

67
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:43,350
- Have we time to show them before dinner?
- Oh, yes, why not? Come on.

68
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,397
Welcome to Shangri-La.

69
00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:00,479
But Barbara, this is a spare bedroom.

70
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,716
Well, they're all asleep, aren't they?

71
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:06,037
- But how do you Hoover?
- Oh, Margo!

72
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,390
I know it looks a bit odd,
but it's the perfect place.

73
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,317
Perfect temperature. Dry, cool, dark.

74
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:12,715
If we weren't using it,
I'd let it out as a warehouse.

75
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,036
What's that for? Warding off vampires?

76
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,910
That's onions, you fool.

77
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,871
The garlic's in here.

78
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,678
Over here...

79
00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,239
...we have carrots...

80
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,839
...celeriac...

81
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,439
.and...

82
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,834
...apples.

83
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,998
Well, I suppose you know what you're doing.

84
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,751
No, no, no. Not there. There.

85
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,039
They're not like us, Margo.

86
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,117
They mustn't touch or they'll go bad.

87
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,514
Now this is Granny's wardrobe.

88
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:46,994
Cor!

89
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,713
Still, she liked a nice cabbage.

90
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,797
I suppose you've got watercress in the bath?

91
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,717
No, that's in the bidet.

92
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,997
I'm sorry, Tom and Barbara.

93
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:59,874
This used to be a lovely, sunny little bedroom.
And you've ruined it.

94
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,593
Well, look at it this way.

95
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,075
We've lost a bedroom,
but we've gained a year's nosh.

96
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,430
Yes, everything on and under the beds is rates.

97
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,551
You'll never get it into a council envelope.

98
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,112
We're selling it first.

99
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,151
- What, just like that?
- Course, easy.

100
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,238
No, Tom. You may be a giant in the garden,

101
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:19,352
but when it comes to the world of commerce,
you're just a pygmy.

102
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:20,959
Watch it.

103
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,990
Look, selling a bedful of fresh veg
is the simplest thing in the world.

104
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:28,715
No, Margo's right, you know.
Life's more complicated than you think.

105
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:32,879
You've never sold in the big, wicked world.
This isn't Widecombe Fair, it's Surbiton.

106
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,070
It's people like you that make it complicated.

107
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,714
If you had a piece of string,
it would tie itself in knots.

108
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:39,114
I'm just warning you.

109
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,549
- Oh, pestilence, plague.
- Doom, doom.

110
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,278
Did I hear a dinner gong?

111
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,790
Not unless the chicken jumped out of the oven
and banged one.

112
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,753
No, that's a very good idea. I'm hungry.
Come along.

113
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,189
Margo, let's go and pick some flowers
for the table.

114
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,833
You didn't grow any flowers.

115
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,757
From your garden.

116
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:00,839
No, Tom, seriously.
It's not as simple as all that, you know.

117
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:03,679
Just cos you're a seller
doesn't mean you'll find a buyer.

118
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,836
- I've already got one.
- Good Lord!

119
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,713
That restaurant by the war memorial,
with the stupid name.

120
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,276
- Oh, The Runcible Spoon.
- That's it. I'm seeing the manager tomorrow.

121
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:15,153
- I ate there once. I wouldn't go back.
- And why?

122
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,591
- Chemical veg tasting like cooked blankets.
- No, the food was all right.

123
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,393
They served the Burgundy in Hock glasses.

124
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,034
Disgusting devils.

125
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,038
Very nice, Chef.

126
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,879
But before the menus go to table,
check the dictionary

127
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,036
to see if potage is spelled with one T or two.

128
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:42,112
And, Chef, do ask Mrs Rosen to stop being silly
with that new Spanish boy.

129
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,191
(Music box plays)

130
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,511
(Music continues)

131
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,189
(Music continues)

132
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,516
- Shut up.
(Music stops)

133
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,551
(Knocks on door)
- Yes?

134
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,869
Morning. Mr Runcible or Mr Spoon?

135
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,440
No. That's the name of the restaurant.

136
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:25,678
I'm Michelangelo Lombardi.

137
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:26,915
(Sniggers)

138
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,951
- Are you all right'?
- Er... sorry... l-|-I've got a bit of a cold.

139
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,877
Er... I'm Tom Good.

140
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,719
Oh, yes. Oh, we spoke on the telephone.

141
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,037
- You're the fruit and veg merch.
- Sort of.

142
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,953
Well, come along. I'm a busy man.

143
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,752
Oh, right, well.

144
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,791
Straight to the point, then. Samples.

145
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,071
Smell that.

146
00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:54,233
(Sniffs) Yes?

147
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:56,833
Look at that. Perfect.

148
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,712
(Music box plays)
- What's that?

149
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,512
(Music stops)

150
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,554
Nothing.

151
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,511
Oh. Right.

152
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,752
How about that for a carrot?

153
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,273
- Parsnip?
- I do know what these things are called.

154
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,913
Oh, yes. Sorry.

155
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,633
And a...

156
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:22,432
One of those.

157
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,073
Well?

158
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,838
Why did you go like that...

159
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,440
(Sniffs) ..with the carrot?

160
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,118
Oh... (Laughs)

161
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:33,630
- Well, you're a cigar man.
- Yes, I know, but you only do that with cigars.

162
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:35,637
You don't do it with carrots.

163
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,751
I know. It was a joke.

164
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,517
Oh. A joke.

165
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:41,675
I see.

166
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,113
Well...

167
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:49,190
.If the rest of the stuff is up to this standard,
it's certainly quality veg.

168
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:53,234
If, as you said on the telephone, you're prepared
to undercut my current supplier...

169
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:54,793
As a boy scout.

170
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,478
- Pardon?
- I'm prepared.

171
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,397
But why did you say boy scout?

172
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,757
I don't know, really.

173
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:05,589
Let's say I'm prepared to undercut, slightly,
your current supplier.

174
00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,677
Then I think we can do business.

175
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,472
(Music box chord)

176
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,150
(Chuckles)

177
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,679
Why are you laughing?

178
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:23,270
- I remembering what a pessimistic friend said.
- Is he funny, then?

179
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,311
- I've met funnier.
- Oh.

180
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:29,957
Look, vis-a-vis the quality OK,
and vis-a-vis the quantity we discussed,

181
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,877
I total it up to be 90 quid.

182
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,433
Yes, yes, I'm your man for 90.

183
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:34,709
Right, twelve 90$...

184
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,273
Er... why twelve?

185
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:37,719
12 months in a year.

186
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,080
- No.
- There are.

187
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:40,679
No, no, no, no.

188
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,189
This quantity we're talking about is all I've got.

189
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,072
It's my surplus. One sale.

190
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,919
Oh? And what am I supposed to do next month?

191
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,110
Well, go back to your original supplier.

192
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:54,119
I see. And get all the rubbish because
he doesn't like being mucked about.

193
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,549
No, it's not on.
You supply me regularly or not at all.

194
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:03,877
You obviously didn't think about
the marketing side of it, did you?

195
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,718
- Fool.
- No need to be abusive.

196
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,637
No, me, me!

197
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,035
I was so sure it would all be so simple.

198
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,390
Look, I hate to see a little man humiliated.

199
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:16,320
Er... you wouldn't settle for a medium-sized man
embarrassed, would you?

200
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,475
- Who's he, then?
- Oh, never mind. You were saying?

201
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,151
For you I'll make an exception.

202
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,431
- I'll take your stuff.
- Mr Lombardi, you're a prince.

203
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,950
There's no reason why business
can't be tempered with a little humanity.

204
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,274
- 70 quid?
- Yea...

205
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:36,279
- Just a minute. You said 90.
- Then. It's a buyer's market now.

206
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,153
Ho ho. Perhaps Margo was right.
Perhaps I am a pygmy.

207
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,918
No, not with your features.

208
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,076
No, no... Oh, never mind.

209
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,078
I can't afford to sell at that price.
I'll try somewhere else.

210
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,714
Well, life's more complicated than you think.

211
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,910
Not to me. It's other people who complicate it.

212
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,792
But you have to deal with other people.

213
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:56,356
Well, just because I'm outnumbered
doesn't make me wrong, does it?

214
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,911
There you are. You can smoke it later.

215
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,315
You haven't got a big jar you could put me in,
have you? I need pickling in brine.

216
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:00,797
Why so ratty? You teething again?

217
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,515
Oh, nothing much, no.
You just married an idiot, that's all. A pygmy.

218
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:07,359
Well, everybody knows that.
What else is wrong?

219
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,191
I can't sell our surplus.

220
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,357
You...

221
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,632
But... but you said...

222
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,910
...you said that the man at the restaurant...

223
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,236
Don't listen to me. I'm not going to in future.

224
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,317
- What went wrong?
- Me.

225
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:26,079
- Bulk, that's all they're interested in.
- We've got bulk.

226
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,431
No, bulk bulk. That's what they mean.
Everywhere was the same.

227
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:32,757
Certainly, Mr Good,
30 tonnes of King Edwards a day. Deal.

228
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,235
You'll be able to get your juggernaut in?

229
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,830
I suppose a trolley on four old pram wheels
doesn't fit the bill.

230
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,316
Nor does our veg. We grew the wrong stuff.
This bloke told me.

231
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:46,069
- What does he know?
- Quite a lot. He's a greengrocer.

232
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,397
He said if you want to cash in,
you don't grow peasant foods.

233
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,193
- King Edwards aren't peasants.
- Well, you know what I mean.

234
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,959
They buy small amounts of aristocracy.
Royal Sovereigns.

235
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,071
- Who?
- Strawberries, raspberries,

236
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,952
your pound a punnet stuff. Asparagus.

237
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,593
Oh, I see.

238
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,315
Margo tramples over old ladies
to get the first asparagus of the season.

239
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:05,873
And she's not the only one.

240
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,434
- Remember the artichoke riot of '74?
- Vividly.

241
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,359
Let's face the facts, you chose the wrong crops.

242
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,391
But I forgive you, I forgive you.

243
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,080
Next year it'll be speciality crops.
We'll be quids in.

244
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,838
Hmm.

245
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:20,520
You couldn't make next year start tomorrow,
could you?

246
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,551
Why?

247
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,030
Final demand for the Rates.

248
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:29,151
"Dear Sir, threat, threat, threat,
threat, threat, threat, threat..

249
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,279
Your obedient servant."

250
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,198
Hypocrites.

251
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:35,840
(Sighs)

252
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,712
Tricky, isn't it?

253
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:42,313
Yes. Especially since we've only got �3.28
in the bank.

254
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,873
Quite.

255
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:47,072
If I sold my body to science,
do you think they'd give me the money now?

256
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,358
50p is not a lot of good.

257
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:54,111
No, Tom, it all comes back down
to that surplus.

258
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,878
There must be some way of selling it.

259
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,638
Honestly, love, I tried everywhere.

260
00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,798
As a wholesaler,
I just haven't got enough of the stuff.

261
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,157
Of course.

262
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,716
Ge' your spuds an' greens 'ere!

263
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:12,955
Pardon?

264
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:14,873
Ge' your spuds an' greens 'ere!

265
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,118
I thought that's what you said.
What do you mean?

266
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,790
Get your spuds and greens here.

267
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,593
We cut out the middle man
and sell direct to the public.

268
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:30,194
Yes!

269
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:32,913
- Have an OBE.
- Thank you.

270
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,913
- Have akiss.
- Thank you.

271
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,598
Have a tomato.

272
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:56,794
Afternoon.

273
00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,273
Good afternoon.

274
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,591
- Nice hard heart.
- Thank you.

275
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,279
- I expect those are crunchy, too.
- Mm. Full of flavour.

276
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,271
- Have you got any paint?
- Pardon?

277
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,277
Paint. You know, for painting things?

278
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:17,472
- No.
- Oh, all right, I think I'll leave it then.

279
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,431
(Tyres screech)

280
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,153
Hello, Margo. Hello, Jerry.

281
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,639
Barbara! What are you doing?

282
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,398
I'm trying to sell the veg.

283
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:44,798
- But you're sitting where you can be seen.
- Not much point in hiding in the shed.

284
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,154
Jerry, tell her. Tell her this is The Avenue.

285
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:50,271
Well, she knows that. She lives here.

286
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:51,913
(Giggles)

287
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,314
(Chuckles)

288
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,998
Please, laugh, go on, laugh.

289
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:59,511
I hope you're still laughing when the value of
property here plummets to an all-time low.

290
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:00,880
Why should it?

291
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:04,879
This is a residential area, Barbara,
not a tradesman's ghetto.

292
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,593
Oh, don't be such a snob.

293
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,677
Well, you know what I mean.

294
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:12,190
Anyway, I'm not a tradesman.
I don't qualify as a tradesman.

295
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,392
I've been here all morning
and I've only sold 2Ib of carrots.

296
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:19,274
I thought Tom had that restaurant
grovelling to buy your stuff?

297
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:22,358
Really? Who gave you that impression?

298
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,471
- Tom.
- Oh.

299
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,831
No, you see, what I need is a bigger sign.
That's the trouble.

300
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,276
A gaudy, neon one, presumably?

301
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:35,473
Oh, don't be daft. No, what I need is a bigger
sign. Something to get me noticed.

302
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,638
Well, if the police notice you,
you might have some trouble.

303
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,752
- What do you mean?
- You could be fined, quite a lot.

304
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,598
Trading without a licence.

305
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,520
I really ought to talk to Tom about this.
Where is he?

306
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,678
Tom? Oh, he's out. Trading without a licence.

307
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,670
Ge' your spuds an' greens 'ere!

308
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:01,633
Ge' your spuds an' greens. (Coughs)

309
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,395
(Deeper voice) Get your spuds and greens here.

310
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,274
Please?

311
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,397
(Tyres screech)

312
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,117
All right.

313
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:32,753
Come on.

314
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:33,949
That's enough.

315
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,315
- Are you talking to me?
- Yes, lam.

316
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,549
Clear off,

317
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:42,878
- And just who might you be?
- I'm Ronnie Boxhall, that's who I am.

318
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,879
- Not the bandleader?
- Look, don't try and be funny with me.

319
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,036
I'm a fruiterer and greengrocer.

320
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,276
That's my van and this is one of my roads.

321
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:53,197
You've done very well for yourself.

322
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,358
I don't own the road,
I didn't say I owned the road.

323
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,552
What I'm saying is, I've worked myself up
in every road around here.

324
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:01,955
And you're doing it again.
What are you on about?

325
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,957
Private enterprise.

326
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:07,630
It's taken me ten years to work up this round
and you're not pushing me out of it!

327
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,399
That's not private enterprise, that's the Mafia.

328
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:14,832
I'll have you know,
my father lost a leg at Gallipoli.

329
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,440
Well, you leave me alone
and go and help him look for it.

330
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,552
Look, you've got competition,
so you'd better get used to the idea.

331
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,518
Look, mate, you'd better get out of here.

332
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:27,873
I'm warning you.

333
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,434
And who's going to make me?

334
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:33,474
Eugene?

335
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,591
Oh, my God.

336
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,112
(Panting)

337
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:56,913
(Coughs)

338
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,758
Hello, love.

339
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,120
Well, I've had no luck at all, I'm afraid.

340
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,390
I've only sold 2Ib of carrots all day.

341
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,477
Then I found I was breaking the law anyway.

342
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,113
(Panting)

343
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,191
Have you been running?

344
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,038
No.

345
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,753
Well, any luck?

346
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,518
No.

347
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:22,875
Police?

348
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,319
No, no, no..l..1...

349
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:28,069
.I'just realised that...
selling stuff on the streets like that is unfair.

350
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,997
- To us?
- No, no.

351
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,317
To good, honest street-traders
like good old Ronnie Boxhalll.

352
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,919
After all, he's taken ten years
to build up that round.

353
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,793
It's unfair for somebody to walk in
and take his trade away.

354
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,559
This is not the egomaniac that I love speaking.

355
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,160
Oh..live and let live, Barbara.

356
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,953
(Laughs) Rubbish. What's the real reason?

357
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,755
He had this giant friend,

358
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,996
with huge boots and a bolt through his neck.

359
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,316
(Laughs) Never mind, Killer.

360
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,077
Well, I do mind, that's the trouble.

361
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,794
We're trying to live our own way
and all we get is obstacles.

362
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:07,356
If it's not the law and red tape,
it's restaurateurs trying to fleece us.

363
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,552
Or it's great big giants
with bolts through their necks.

364
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,874
I don't know how we're going to pay
these Rates.

365
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,118
No, neither do.

366
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:19,718
I'm sorry, love.

367
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,478
Oh, it's not your fault.

368
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:25,070
No, it's me. If I'd planted the right crops,
we wouldn't be in this mess.

369
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,394
I'm stupid.

370
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,351
Oh, come on, Tom, we planned it together.

371
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,676
I thought we'd got it right. That makes me stupid.

372
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,992
(Knock on door)

373
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,792
Hello, peasants.

374
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,433
Oh. Has somebody died?

375
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:40,950
Oh... Hello, Jerry. No, we were just thinking
about something, that's all.

376
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,513
Like a glass of wine?

377
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,198
No.

378
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,949
Look... you two are in a scrape, aren't you?

379
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,833
My God, he's found out
about the transmitter in the attic.

380
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:54,076
Give us 24 hours, Jerry, before you phone MI6.

381
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:56,236
Barbara, get us on the first flight to Moscow.

382
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,317
Can't you be serious about anything?

383
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:01,751
- What will you do about your Rates?
- Pay them when we sell the surplus veg.

384
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,552
But nobody wants it.

385
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,318
There is that.

386
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,271
- How long have you got?
- Oh, months.

387
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:08,993
- How long?
- Six days.

388
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,112
Oh, lor! Look, how much is that surplus worth?

389
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,514
About ninety quid.

390
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,153
Right.

391
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:20,712
Look, I know charity begins at home, Jerry,
but you live next door.

392
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,593
This isn't charity,
it's a perfectly common-sense solution.

393
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,234
Margo and I aren't carnivores.
We do eat vegetables.

394
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:30,638
But we're talking about a hundredweight of
cabbages, not the odd petit chou.

395
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:34,753
We've got spuds in sacks,
not in little polythene bags.

396
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:36,916
And you both hate carrots, we know that.

397
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,840
Oh, come on, Jerry, it's very sweet of you,
but it's not quite your style, is it?

398
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,871
Right. The only thing you buy in bulk is gin.

399
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,513
Are you trying to tell me something?

400
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,074
Yes, we haven't got any gin, we've only got veg.

401
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:49,430
We have pea-pod burgundy,
but we're keeping that,

402
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,471
because we think it's a cure for scrofula.

403
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,511
Well, what are you going to do?

404
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:55,991
Only one thing to do. Sell the veg.

405
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:59,556
- Who to? Each other?
- The restaurant. We'll just have to take less.

406
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,637
Oh, yes, of course!

407
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:03,717
That's the idea. Splendid.

408
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,752
Take a loss. More painful for you that way.

409
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:11,039
More enjoyable, isn't it? You must tell me
sometime where you get your hair shirts.

410
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,718
- Jerry.
- Yeah?

411
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,639
- We're still in your gang in the playground?
- Fools.

412
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,478
(Sighs)

413
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,319
Oh, Tom, we're not going to have to sell
at a loss, are we?

414
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:26,591
We've got no choice, love.
Mr Runcible Spoon will give us 70 for it.

415
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,870
But the Rates are 81.20.

416
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,399
Yes.

417
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,556
Doesn't that suggest something obvious?

418
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,399
- No. What?
- We haven't got enough.

419
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:42,071
Now listen very carefully to me, Mr... erm...

420
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,072
.Mr Squires.

421
00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:48,192
I have itemised the components of my Rates bill
scrupulously.

422
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,390
As every citizen should, Mrs Leadbetter.

423
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:53,111
I am not a citizen, I am a resident.

424
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:57,677
Now... road cleaning I shall pay.

425
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,474
Street lighting I shall pay.

426
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,670
Ground rent I shall pay.

427
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:05,917
But when it comes to the drain
in front of my house, I shall not,

428
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,031
because it is blocked up and overflowing.

429
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:09,718
Ah, I'll make a note of that.

430
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,831
You will do more than that, Mr Squires.

431
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,236
You will have a plumber on my doorstep
at nine o'clock tomorrow morning

432
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,749
with a plunger in his hand,
or you will not get a penny.

433
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:20,440
Just who do you think you are,
Mrs Leadbetter?

434
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,676
I am the silent majority.

435
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:25,720
Now, look sharp.

436
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:29,435
Right, well, er... I'll get on to Drains
and try to get them to come this week.

437
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,039
Nine o'clock tomorrow morning.

438
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:36,279
Mrs Leadbetter, you're hardly in a position to
make demands when I've got your cheque.

439
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,836
That cheque is post-dated
and can be cancelled in a trice.

440
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,154
- 9.30?
- Nine.

441
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,511
- Very well, Mrs Leadbetter, I'll get your receipt.
- That's better.

442
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,076
Hello, Margo. Having fun?

443
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:51,554
Barbara.

444
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:55,309
I consider it my duty
to remind these would-be commissars

445
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:58,591
that I'm an Englishwoman and a householder,
not a mere number.

446
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:00,153
- Morning, Tom.
- Morning, 38.

447
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:03,238
Your receipt.

448
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:06,871
Thank you, Mr Squires.
Tom. Barbara.

449
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,757
- Yes, Sir.
- I've come to pay the Rates.

450
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,952
Oh-ho! Red demand.
Nearly had the bailiff in, eh?

451
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:28,076
You have stamped 'urgent' on my hand.

452
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:29,679
Well, get on with it, then.

453
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:33,912
- Cash or cheque?
- Both.

454
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:37,635
A cheque from our account for �3.28.

455
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,910
A cheque from Michelangelo Lombardi for �70.

456
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,951
The rest is in coin of the realm.

457
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:47,513
�81.20.

458
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:48,994
Hm.

459
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,190
It's been a struggle, hasn't it, Barbara?

460
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,834
No, once we found the money
down the back of the chair,

461
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,110
and changed the 500-peseta note,
it was a breeze.

462
00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:58,559
That and the telephone money.

463
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,355
- But you haven't got a telephone any more.
- No, we left all our tuppences in a box.

464
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,800
How can you be so brave
without a penny in the bank?

465
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:08,309
We can go one better.
We've haven't a penny anywhere.

466
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:11,352
Oh, come on, Tom, you must have a bit
tucked away somewhere?

467
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:12,390
No.

468
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,477
It's not possible to have no money at all.

469
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,352
No, it is, because we haven't.

470
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:18,550
What happens when the next bill turns up?

471
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:23,276
We'll have something else to sell by then.
Half a pig, goat's horn aphrodisiac.

472
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,755
Not in the Rates office, please, Tom.

473
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,997
What about incidentals? Soap, for instance?
How do you buy soap?

474
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,680
Miss Rochart, the chemist. Six eggs a bar.

475
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:36,438
- Excuse me. Mr Good?
- Yes?

476
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:40,394
Even though you stamped 'urgent' on my hand,
I have not strayed from the path of duty.

477
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,670
You have given me too much money here.

478
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,040
Smashing! How much?

479
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:45,795
One penny.

480
00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,633
Thanks.

481
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,111
There you are, Margo. We're solvent again.

482
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,912
- Barbara.
- Hm?

483
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:56,476
Tell me how you propose
to keep yourself in erm...

484
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,156
...(whispers) knickers for a penny.

485
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:03,398
A gallon of goats milk
equals two pairs of knickers, Margo.

486
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:09,271
Get on with your work.

487
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:11,160
No, no.

488
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:12,759
No.

489
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,120
No, no, no.

490
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,637
Do you disagree with something, Margo?

491
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,637
It can't work, Tom, it can't.

492
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:19,909
Excuse me a minute.

493
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,474
You simply cannot exist without money.

494
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,033
- You can.
- You can't.

495
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,274
You see?

496
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:28,357
I'll have a flag, please.

497
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:34,112
- Thank you very much.
- Not at all.

498
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,034
Er..er..yes. All right, erm...

499
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,071
I'll have the button, please, erm..

500
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:43,719
Thank you.

501
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,715
Well, I feel better now. Really better.

502
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:49,912
That has proved my point.
I haven't got a penny left, literally.

503
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,678
But I still exist, don't 1?

504
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:55,111
For the moment. There will come a time
when you'll need money again.

505
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:56,230
There will not.

506
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:01,073
Tom. Can I have that penny?

507
00:28:01,123 --> 00:28:05,673
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